Back to the Blue with you, Nessie!

Another stop on the Paul Walker hit parade, and this has all the makings of a Spectorqular classic: completely implausible yet utterly predictable story, idiotic characters, wretched dialogue, atrocious acting, and enough gratuitous shots of Jessica Alba wearing a tiny bikini to keep you coming back for more.

Paul is a dive bum who dreams of being a big league treasure hunter, Jessica is a marine biologist - or maybe just a summer employee at Sea World - it’s never made clear because it doesn’t really affect her ability to wear a bikini, nor her use as a plot device at all the expected times. Just when they make their big find, a legendary treasure ship worth hundreds of millions of dollars, they also stumble across a sunken plane full of hundreds of kilos of cocaine. Oh, what do, what to do.

Of course we know what they’ll do. Paul’s meathead brother, played by Scott Caan, tries to sell the drugs to pay for the salvage operations and get himself out of debt. Who could guess, the plan goes awry and its up to our hero to save the day. I’ll leave it to you to figure out how it ends.

What to watch for:

+ The completely pointless and unnecessary Fast and Furious style jet ski action sequence.

+ The fish so fake it looks like a 4th grader made it out of papier mache.

+ The man-eating tiger shark that bears a remarkable resemblance to JabberJaw.