Basically As Bad As You Imagined

Before Basic Instinct 2 is even started, you know it’s going to be a mess. When you see the INTERMEDIA title card, it’s just simple odds — with movies like Mindhunters and Alexander on their recent slate of releases, they aren’t exactly on a “winning” streak.

Once the credits are out of the way, BI2 quickly gets down to business — namely, action sequences coupled with Sharon Stone whoring out. In the opening scene of the film, we see her character hauling ass around London in a badass Spyker C8, with a thoroughly drugged-up guy in the passenger seat. Soon after the passenger informs her that he can’t move, she grabs his fingers, licks them a bit, and shoves them down into her general crotchal region. 2 minutes in, and already she’s getting off. It’s like some high-charged adult diaper commercial — only the “activities” that Stone’s middle-aged character are purely sexual (vs. say, playing tennis).

To no one’s shock, Stone’s 100 mph sexual gratification leads to an accident, and her male partner is quickly killed (while she naturally survives unscathed). Soon we’re right back into the same plot from the first Basic Instinct, with Stone being accused of murder and trying to use her wily sexual charms to get out of it. Only, this time around she’s menopausal-aged and no one’s lining up for a direct angle on a crotch shot.

I could tell you more, about the dorky British guy that’s filling Michael Douglas’s role, about the dry British humor they attempt to inject into the proceedings, or any other number of bad decisions — but what’s the point, really? If you didn’t know that a poorly-advised sequel to a 12-year old movie was a bad idea, you’ve probably already either (a) seen and loved Basic Instinct 2 or (b) cannot be talked into seeing the movie, regardless of how bad it might be.

I wish I could say this was a supremely Spectorqular film….but in the end, even with Stone’s utterly unaware performance and the silly twists and turns, it’s still a pretty boring film. That’s why I’m giving it 3 cubes — it’s still pretty stupid and enjoyable on that level, but it could have been much more.

What to watch for:

+ They really, really push this whole “risk addiction” concept. Apparently the film was going to be called “Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction”, but they jettisoned the additional name when it came time to market the film–wisely deducing that the core audience for this film is probably averse to ANY additional reading, even on a movie poster.

+ The reported $30,000 per diem that Sharon Stone got while working on the film. It’s not like you can actually SEE any of it during the movie, but it’s just nice to think about Stone sitting in London, pissing through film investor’s money like it’s water, buying champagne coulees for her and her entire entourage of gay men.

+ Stone’s outfits — the woman doesn’t dress down once in the movie. She literally sleeps in ballgowns and/or hip clubbin’ gear. I’m sure this was part of the contract to (”I am to be clothed in Armani throughout every second of the film, except when I’m naked and slutting out.”)

+ The laughably-phallic 30 St. Mary Axe, or “Gherkin Tower” as it’s more commonly known, which should really be billed directly under Stone — as it easily abosrbs the 2nd most allotment of screentime throughout the film.

+ They manage to squeeze the title of the film (well, “Basic Instincts”) into dialogue. That always earns points for Spectorqularity.