Howie Long vs. the fake Canadians

Wow. I can’t believe adults actually worked on this movie. Basically, generic 1990’s bad guy William Forsythe is in prison after robbing a train (what is this, a Lone Ranger plot?) and killing 17 people. But, before he was apprehended, he hid the loot. Now, he’s scheming to break out and get the loot, and his plan involves the prisoner work program that has criminals fighting fires, or something like that (I honestly couldn’t keep up, it was so densely layered with stupidity).

Anyways, Forsythe and his band of flunkies naturally have to run into a hero to save the day — and that man is ex-Los Angeles Raider defensive tackle, Howie Long, who has transformed himself into the world’s most badass fireman. Crazy action and excitement (and plenty of utterly implausible scenes) ensue.

What to watch for:

+ Howie Long’s inability to figure out that a few criminals with fake Canadian accents (saying “eh” a lot while talking like the Lucky Charms leprechaun does not constitute a Canadian accent) aren’t real firemen, despite him being an expert fireman.

+ Barry Pepper, pre-Battlefield Earth, as the young/dumb/polite Southern gentleman escaped convict, trying to put the moves on their scientist hostage, played by redhead Suzy Amis, whose phone was ringing off the hook back in 1991-1993 whenever a wife/damsel-in-distress that wasn’t too distractingly hot was needed in an action flick.

+ Howie Long and ze German’s axe and kayak battle early in the film. Talk about some spectorqular fight choreography! Is that Jackie Chan or Howie Long?

+ The perculiar use of the word “buttmunch” as a random putdown between two forest rangers.

+ Howie Long’s character’s inability to swim (get it — a fireman who hates water!).