Nothing Stealthy about this Spectorqular Gem

Holy crap! Run, do not walk, RUN to your nearest DVD retailer and pick yourself up a copy of this bad boy. This movie kicks ass! I expected a lot, and Stealth delivered in spades. Dialogue so painful it makes you wince, enough bad technology to sink a fleet of battleships, acting reminiscent of a dime-store Indian, some terrible CG, countless things that make you say “what the hell?” and then its over before it has a chance to get boring. Perfect!

Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, and Josh Lucas play ace fighter pilots who fly the latest experimental fighter jets. Their happy threesome is broken up by the addition of an even more experimental computer controlled version of their jets that looks something like a horseshoe crab minus the spines. Of course, the computer controlled version (called EDI) gets zapped by lightning. You can tell this scrambles his brain because they actually show electronic DNA splitting right down the middle of the double helix. I kid you not. You can’t buy this kind of quality in any store. He goes haywire, and its up to our three heroes to take him out. I won’t tell you who lives and dies, but I will say at the end I got visions of Michael Knight and KITT. Too bad EDI couldn’t just put a microlock on that North Korean helicopter.

In any event, this movie is a good two hours long, but it goes by quick. It might take you a little longer to get through it, though, because you’ll be pausing to laugh and rewinding because you can’t believe what you just saw. I had to take notes there were so many fantastic details to catch.

Here’s a quick rundown of a few of the highlights, but keep in mind this list is far from complete:

+ Sony spent $130 million making this thing, and the best they could do for flight helmets was spray-painted bicycle helmets? And where are the oxygen masks? And why do their flight suits look like 80s vintage parachute pants?

+ How did EDI’s main technician, the scruffy kid with long hair and a scraggly beard get into the navy?

+ The guy standing directly behind the jet as it takes off from the carrier seems completely unfazed by the 1500 degree exhaust from the jet engines.

+ The giant refueling blimp(?) that looks like a cross between the Epcot Center and the heli-carrier from Nick Fury vs. S.H.I.E.L.D.

+ The brand-spanking new Pontiac GTO in a remote airbase/research station in the mountains of Alaska. Sony must have tried to recoup some of its investment with some product placement money from GM, but come on, this just doesn’t make any sense.

+ Josh Lucas’ creative method of fire-suppression. I can’t even describe it here its so awful.

+ The line stolen directly from Top Gun “You never abandon your wingman”

+ Joe Morton reversing roles from the man who created SkyNet to the captain who warns about the dangers of untested technology.

+ CG flames so bad, they might as well have been done with crayons.

+ The longest ejection sequence ever. How smart is it to force your pilot to use several different buttons, switches, and levers in order to eject? Don’t you want that to be the easy part?