Uwe’s Gold: Let Video Game Badness Rayne

Bloodrayne

Year: 2006

Director: Uwe Boll

Length: 94 minutes

Studio: Uwe Boll Productions

Rating from : Unrated

UPC for dvd: 855280001380

ID in Amazon.com: B000EQ5V8G

Rating: 3 out of 5

Forget the exploding blood a la Kill Bill Vol. 1. Forget the amazing performances by Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez, and Billy Zane. Forget the ridiculous abandonment of vampire rules. Thie movie is stunning for having a feature I have ever seen in a sub 100 minute movie. During the last five minutes, they replay all the gore scenes from the entire movie. This follows a close up of Rayne’s face at the end. We were hoping that the close up would include an added twinkle in her eye, but alas we were only treated to a triumphant horse ride out of the castle. Truly, truly spectorqular.

    I can honestly say though that Uwe Boll through his translation of video game movies has taught me a lot. House of the Dead was an eye opener. This movie had some more lessons including:

  • A woman kept as a slave by carnies for 20 years can ride a horse perfectly.
  • Video game levels where you have to avoid blades flying around on the floor do not translate into the movies.
  • Even if you win an oscar, you can turn in a bad performance. I should have learned this from Raul Julia in Street Fighter.
    Some things to watch for:

  • Ben Kingsley in some truly fantastic wigs.
  • Michelle Rodriguez doing a worse English accent than Kevin Costner in Prince of Thieves.
  • Michael Madsen actually turning in a more lackluster performance than Free Willy.
  • Explosive gushes of blood all over the place.
  • Meat Loaf as an evil pagan vampire.
This entry was written by andy, posted on June 6, 2006 at 9:39 am, filed under Ode to Seagal (Action), Paging Roger Corman (Horror), Uwe Boll. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

2 Comments

  1. Kyle
    Posted June 6, 2006 at 5:27 pm | Permalink

    I love the concept of a ‘director’s cut’ for Uwe Boll; b/c his true genius just cannot be contained within the 90 minutes that studios usually give him to tell his story theatrically.

    On a sidenote–how dirty do people who work at UWE BOLL PRODUCTIONS feel?

  2. dave
    Posted October 9, 2006 at 8:39 pm | Permalink

    Wow, where to begin. Andy’s comments are right on in those last 5 minutes. Its like the freeze frames from CHiPs, only bloodier.

    Michael Madsen does not look good. His face alone has gained 10 pounds. And he didn’t even bother to phone in his lines, he mailed ‘em in, and didn’t bother with postage.

    And the troll with the hammer looked a lot like Sloth Fratelli (the deformed bad guy Chunk befriended in The Goonies).

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