Transported straight to the crapper

Transporter 2

IMDB

Year: 2005

Writer: Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen

Director: Louis Leterrier

Producer: Luc Besson

Length: 87

Category: Action

Media: DVD

Rating from MPAA: PG-13

Rating: 2 out of 5

I had high hopes for Transporter 2. The original Transporter was a decent, entertaining action flick that although I wouldn’t go out of my way to buy the DVD, if I found it in the 3.99 bargain bin, or if the movie happened to be on late night cable, I’d happily watch it at least a couple more times.

Unfortunately, Transporter 2 failed to deliver the goods. Despite some truly spectorqular moments, the movie as a whole just doesn’t work. Although it had a lot of the technical requirements of spectorqularity (bad CG, really bad use of technology, lame acting, stupid characters, caricatured villains, etc.) the movie just isn’t any fun to watch. It checks in at only 87 minutes, but it feels like 187 minutes.

The plot is pretty typical crappy action movie fare that starts out tired, and descends into the absurd. Our hero makes a promise to a kid whose parents are having problems, then has to deliver on his promise so the kid maintains his faith in people. Along the way, there’s way too many stupid Jackie Chan style fight scenes with plenty of idiot bad guys to beat up. If that’s your thing, you might like this movie more, but I get bored with it pretty quick.

For a movie with “Transporter” in the title, you’d think there’d be some better driving. The chase scenes were uninspired - I’ve seen better in The Dukes of Hazzard. And the car was crap. The guy is supposed to be some bad-ass expert driver, and he drives a bone-stock Audi A8 with a W12 badge and an automatic transmission? How much did Audi pay for that placement? Whatever it was, it was too much. They’d have been better off going with Charlie Sheen’s car from The Wraith, or Mark Hamill’s ride from Corvette Summer. At least then you’d have something interesting to watch.

Things to watch for:

The single scene that saves this movie from a 1 cube rating. You’ll know it when you see it, and it is right up there with the scene from Torque when the two bikers drive right at each other, lock up the front wheel, rotate and smack the sides of their bikes together.

The main bad guys’ blonde sidekick, who apparently can only kick ass in lingerie. Too bad she’s not that attractive.

If you can figure out how the whole deadly virus thing at the end works, let me know. It still doesn’t make any sense.

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Pulling the Trigger

Picasso Trigger

Year: 2001

Length: 99 minutes

Studio: Ventura Distribution

Rating from : R (Restricted)

UPC for dvd: 634991113229

ID in Amazon.com: B00005Q2ZW

Rating: 3 out of 5

There isn’t much to say about Picasso Trigger…the movie really speaks for itself. True B-movie filmmaking at its finest, complete with cheesy slow-mo death sequences, a curly mullet-wearing hero, and fake breasts as far as the eye can see. Andy Sidaris made a name for himself in the 1980’s, as a sort of low-rent Roger Corman (which I guess would make him ULTRA-low rent). His movies are affectionately referred to as “The Triple B” series — as in “bullets, bombs, and babes”, and they are by no means subtle in delivering those goods. In fact, if someone told you Sidaris’s very life rested on having one of the B’s in every scene of his films, after watching Picasso Trigger you wouldn’t doubt it.

+ This epic back-and-forth: “Why did we ever break up?” “Because you told me you were getting married.” Ohhh, right. That.

+ The ripped jeans love scene, where the strapping male lead uses his lady’s ripped jeans to grab her and pull her close. Priceless.

+ Vegas, Texas, Hawaii — this is a true American epic, sprawling across our fine country to various locations, spewing vapid, nonsensical dialogue at every stop.

+ A soundtrack that seems deadset on incorporating EVERY cheesy style from the 1980’s. From crappy Casio-grade synth music to some hip salsa, Picasso Trigger’s soundtrack is the equivalent of 1980’s audio buckshot — a big nasty mish-mash of whatever was lying around, hurling at you way too fast.

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Spectorqular Rule #371: when you need ass-kicking in a post-apocalyptic future, you call Milla Jovovich

Ultraviolet

Year: 2006

Director: Kurt Wimmer

Length: 94 minutes

Studio: Sony Pictures

Rating from : PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)

UPC for dvd: 043396153752

ID in Amazon.com: B000FGGE68

Rating: 4 out of 5

Ultraviolet is a spectorqular 2006 surprise. From the time its trailers hit, I knew this one had big-time spectorqular potential. But trust me, bad movie fans, the previews didn’t do this one justice.

About the score: Really, this one is probably more like 3 1/2 cubes (as opposed to the 4 I gave it) — but it’s only major flaw is a plot that just drags on. If they could wrap it up 10 minutes faster, it might even be worthy of the hallowed 5 cubes.

What to watch for:

+ An utter disregard for physics, that usually gets explained with some manner of CGI (like, the bike that can ride on the side of buildings, after some sort of pocket-sized thermonuclear gyroscope is activated).

+ Constant vascillation between TOTAL techno-dominance, and a bizarre lack of technology. They’ve got DNA scanners, but not a whiff of RFiD or any sort of GPS tracking? We had LoJack in the 1990’s people — something tells me 50-100 years in the future will be able to keep track of packages they’re willing to hire expensive couriers for.

+ The most colorful vision of the future that’s maybe ever been committed to film (or digital effects or whatever). Whereas most futuristic dystopian existences are bleak and grey, Ultraviolet manages to pull from a color pallette that looks like it was borrowed from the folks at TRL.

+ Cameron Bright — the little kid from X3 (the one who can de-mutant mutants), as a little kid who can de-vampire the vampires (oh yeah, by the way — that’s why Milla Jovovich is so bad-ass, she’s basically a vampire). If you’re scoring at home, this kid Cameron Bright has been in movies for about 3 years, and already played a reincarnated kid twice (in Godsend and Birth) and played the same “key to the future of civilization” role twice. In under 3 years.

Somewhere in the Hollywood Hills, Haley Joel Osment, is sitting in a corner of his parents’ mansion, with an awkwardly-cracking voice, screaming “Pay it forward” over-and-over

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Howie Long vs. the fake Canadians

Firestorm

Year: 1999

Length: 90 minutes

Studio: 20th Century Fox

Rating from : R (Restricted)

UPC for dvd: 086162104275

ID in Amazon.com: 6305364419

Rating: 4 out of 5

Wow. I can’t believe adults actually worked on this movie. Basically, generic 1990’s bad guy William Forsythe is in prison after robbing a train (what is this, a Lone Ranger plot?) and killing 17 people. But, before he was apprehended, he hid the loot. Now, he’s scheming to break out and get the loot, and his plan involves the prisoner work program that has criminals fighting fires, or something like that (I honestly couldn’t keep up, it was so densely layered with stupidity).

Anyways, Forsythe and his band of flunkies naturally have to run into a hero to save the day — and that man is ex-Los Angeles Raider defensive tackle, Howie Long, who has transformed himself into the world’s most badass fireman. Crazy action and excitement (and plenty of utterly implausible scenes) ensue.

What to watch for:

+ Howie Long’s inability to figure out that a few criminals with fake Canadian accents (saying “eh” a lot while talking like the Lucky Charms leprechaun does not constitute a Canadian accent) aren’t real firemen, despite him being an expert fireman.

+ Barry Pepper, pre-Battlefield Earth, as the young/dumb/polite Southern gentleman escaped convict, trying to put the moves on their scientist hostage, played by redhead Suzy Amis, whose phone was ringing off the hook back in 1991-1993 whenever a wife/damsel-in-distress that wasn’t too distractingly hot was needed in an action flick.

+ Howie Long and ze German’s axe and kayak battle early in the film. Talk about some spectorqular fight choreography! Is that Jackie Chan or Howie Long?

+ The perculiar use of the word “buttmunch” as a random putdown between two forest rangers.

+ Howie Long’s character’s inability to swim (get it — a fireman who hates water!).

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Spectorqular Trailers: Rocky VI (teaser)

Just remember — “life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.”

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Don the Dragon — Not a Man to Be Trifled With

Bloodfist 2

IMDB

Length: 89 minutes

Category: Martial Arts

Studio: New Concorde

Rating from : R (Restricted)

UPC for dvd: 736991060166

ID in Amazon.com: B000087F27

Rating: 3 out of 5

Bloodfist 2 follows the formula of Bloodsport and so many other 1980’s martial arts films — an underground fighting ring leads to deadly consequences and (gasp) criminal elements, and our heroes must kick their way to freedom, justice, the American way, et al.

If Don “The Dragon” Wilson’s name sounds familiar, it should — the man has 30+ movies to his credit, each more spectorqular than the last.

What really makes this movie stand out (in a subgenre that was overused on a level that is almost without rival–well, short of the current use of the “ultrareal” horror movie, or the faux documentary tv comedy) is the little details:

+ Maurice Smith — more or less a poor man’s Jim Kelly (e.g. a large, buffed-out black dude) playing “Vinny Petrello” in a role we’re guessing wasn’t written expressly for him.

+ Don The Dragon’s mid-fight rant on the dangers of using drugs and fighting. That’s right — the man can kick ass and deliver a D.A.R.E. presentation at the same time.

+ The most protracted final pursuit of the main bad guy that’s ever been captured on film. Literally, the guy doesn’t give up until he’s hurled every object in the room (every planter, glass case, sculpture) at Don The Dragon.

+ A final kill that begs two questions:
(1) is it just an unwritten law that if you come at the good guy with a knife, you can’t just be subdued, but must be kicked off the balcony entirely?
(2) if you’ve been raised by a crooked, evil father, does watching him splat on the ground 6 inches from your feet mess you up more, or is the damage pretty much already as bad as it’s gonna get?

And finally, I’d like to toss out a Spectorqular endorsement for Showtime Extreme, which followed their 8pm showing of Bloodfist 2 with a 10:15 showing of Arnold’s The Last Action Hero (I still can’t believe they ever sold the studio on this movie–it really goes to show just how huge Arnold was).

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Spectorqular Trailers: In the Name of the King

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Uwe’s Gold: Let Video Game Badness Rayne

Bloodrayne

Year: 2006

Director: Uwe Boll

Length: 94 minutes

Studio: Uwe Boll Productions

Rating from : Unrated

UPC for dvd: 855280001380

ID in Amazon.com: B000EQ5V8G

Rating: 3 out of 5

Forget the exploding blood a la Kill Bill Vol. 1. Forget the amazing performances by Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez, and Billy Zane. Forget the ridiculous abandonment of vampire rules. Thie movie is stunning for having a feature I have ever seen in a sub 100 minute movie. During the last five minutes, they replay all the gore scenes from the entire movie. This follows a close up of Rayne’s face at the end. We were hoping that the close up would include an added twinkle in her eye, but alas we were only treated to a triumphant horse ride out of the castle. Truly, truly spectorqular.

    I can honestly say though that Uwe Boll through his translation of video game movies has taught me a lot. House of the Dead was an eye opener. This movie had some more lessons including:

  • A woman kept as a slave by carnies for 20 years can ride a horse perfectly.
  • Video game levels where you have to avoid blades flying around on the floor do not translate into the movies.
  • Even if you win an oscar, you can turn in a bad performance. I should have learned this from Raul Julia in Street Fighter.
    Some things to watch for:

  • Ben Kingsley in some truly fantastic wigs.
  • Michelle Rodriguez doing a worse English accent than Kevin Costner in Prince of Thieves.
  • Michael Madsen actually turning in a more lackluster performance than Free Willy.
  • Explosive gushes of blood all over the place.
  • Meat Loaf as an evil pagan vampire.
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Nothing Stealthy about this Spectorqular Gem

Stealth

IMDB

Year: 2005

Writer: W.D. Richter

Director: Rob Cohen

Length: 121 min

Category: Action

Media: DVD

Studio: Sony Pictures

Rating from MPAA: PG-13

Rating: 5 out of 5

Holy crap! Run, do not walk, RUN to your nearest DVD retailer and pick yourself up a copy of this bad boy. This movie kicks ass! I expected a lot, and Stealth delivered in spades. Dialogue so painful it makes you wince, enough bad technology to sink a fleet of battleships, acting reminiscent of a dime-store Indian, some terrible CG, countless things that make you say “what the hell?” and then its over before it has a chance to get boring. Perfect!

Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, and Josh Lucas play ace fighter pilots who fly the latest experimental fighter jets. Their happy threesome is broken up by the addition of an even more experimental computer controlled version of their jets that looks something like a horseshoe crab minus the spines. Of course, the computer controlled version (called EDI) gets zapped by lightning. You can tell this scrambles his brain because they actually show electronic DNA splitting right down the middle of the double helix. I kid you not. You can’t buy this kind of quality in any store. He goes haywire, and its up to our three heroes to take him out. I won’t tell you who lives and dies, but I will say at the end I got visions of Michael Knight and KITT. Too bad EDI couldn’t just put a microlock on that North Korean helicopter.

In any event, this movie is a good two hours long, but it goes by quick. It might take you a little longer to get through it, though, because you’ll be pausing to laugh and rewinding because you can’t believe what you just saw. I had to take notes there were so many fantastic details to catch.

Here’s a quick rundown of a few of the highlights, but keep in mind this list is far from complete:

+ Sony spent $130 million making this thing, and the best they could do for flight helmets was spray-painted bicycle helmets? And where are the oxygen masks? And why do their flight suits look like 80s vintage parachute pants?

+ How did EDI’s main technician, the scruffy kid with long hair and a scraggly beard get into the navy?

+ The guy standing directly behind the jet as it takes off from the carrier seems completely unfazed by the 1500 degree exhaust from the jet engines.

+ The giant refueling blimp(?) that looks like a cross between the Epcot Center and the heli-carrier from Nick Fury vs. S.H.I.E.L.D.

+ The brand-spanking new Pontiac GTO in a remote airbase/research station in the mountains of Alaska. Sony must have tried to recoup some of its investment with some product placement money from GM, but come on, this just doesn’t make any sense.

+ Josh Lucas’ creative method of fire-suppression. I can’t even describe it here its so awful.

+ The line stolen directly from Top Gun “You never abandon your wingman”

+ Joe Morton reversing roles from the man who created SkyNet to the captain who warns about the dangers of untested technology.

+ CG flames so bad, they might as well have been done with crayons.

+ The longest ejection sequence ever. How smart is it to force your pilot to use several different buttons, switches, and levers in order to eject? Don’t you want that to be the easy part?

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Lord of Bore

Lord of War

IMDB

Year: 2005

Writer: Andrew Niccol

Director: Andrew Niccol

Length: 122 min

Category: Drama

Media: DVD

Rating from MPAA: R

Rating: 1 out of 5

After a spectorqular appearance in 2004’s idiotic but fun to watch “National Treasure”, Nicolas Cage went back to his regular snoozefest material. Cage plays Yuri Orlov, a Russian kid who grew up in Brooklyn and becomes the largest arms smuggler in the world. Lord of War chronicles the rise and fall of Mr. Orlov in the global gunrunning business.

While a movie about smuggling military hardware seems like a great vehicle for some spectorqular action, this one fails in all respects. It never seemed to get moving, and I felt like I was watching it in slow motion. There was no compelling action, no sense of urgency, and nothing to keep you involved in the story. In short, it was a bunch of people I didn’t care about doing a bunch of
things I wasn’t interested in.

The movie seems to try to attach some deeper meaning about the morality of supplying weapons to despots and tyrants, but the connection never really gets made. Maybe I missed the subtler aspects because I was fighting to stay awake. But, there weren’t any other connections either. No real connections between any of the characters in the story, and absolutely nothing between the viewer
and characters.

And on top of all this, its clear that the people who wrote Lord of War have no idea whatsoever about how firearms actually work. When describing a .357 Magnum revolver, Cage says “The six inches of muzzle energy…”. What?! Come on, if you’re going to write a movie about guns, at least hire somebody who knows something about them to proofread the script. Of course, they may have done just that, but he probably fell asleep before he got to that scene.

Things to watch for:

+ Bilbo Baggins a.k.a. Ian Holm as the arms dealer with character.

+ The cheesiest gold AK-47 you’ll ever see in any movie, anywhere.

+ Poor African villagers with no visible tools stripping a massive cargo plane down to almost nothing in less than 24 hours and carrying it all away by hand. Is that even possible for professionals with a full garage of air tools and torches?

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