They Killed Klingon Gorbachev!

Star Trek VI - The Undiscovered Country

Year: 2004

Length: 113 minutes

Studio: Paramount

Rating from : PG (Parental Guidance Suggested)

UPC for dvd: 097360677348

ID in Amazon.com: B0000UJL96

Rating: 3 out of 5

It doesn’t take a die-hard Trekkie to tell you that the Star Trek films were erratic; in fact, they were so inconsistent, there’s actually a rhythm to their fluctuation in quality that can quite simply be summed up by this: the even-numbered sequels are good, the odd-numbered sequels are pretty crappy. Sure, Search for Spock is alright….but it’s not enough to save the odd-numbered films. Clearly 2, 4 and 6 are where it’s at.

And while II is a Spectorqular Hall of Famer (with an all-time overacting showdown between Shatner and Montalban), and IV wins by using the all-too-easy plot device of having the Enterprise travel to modern day San Francisco, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country earns a place here for its thinly-veiled metaphor of the “dying of the Klingons”, just a couple years after the separation of the Soviet Union and the final death knell for the Cold War.

What to watch for:

+ Christopher Plummer as Commander Chang — a man who’s so tough, his eyepatch is literally screwed directly into his skull.

+ Globules of flourescent purple Klingon blood flying everywhere in zero-gravity, utilizing ultra-hip lava lamp CGI technology.

+ Worf (Michael Dorn) from Star Trek: TNG appearing as a defense attorney in a Klingon trial for Kirk & McCoy.

+ Former Mannequin and Sex in the City skank Kim Cattrall as a Vulcan crew member on the Enterprise.

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The Spectorqular Freeze: Rules to Make More Cube-tastic Movies (Vol 1)

Inspired by HSX Research, we decided to offer our own consulting services to the studios. To executives at the studios, please feel free to use these… no charge.

  • #32 - At least 3 times in the movie, demonstrate a blatant lack of physics in your movie world.
  • #33 - Be extremely inconsistent with your rules about a) vampires, b) ghosts, c) witches or d) super powers
  • #47 - Now that Sam Raimi’s big, shaky handheld camera work is all the rage — cram it in, especially when it’s not appropriate.
    #47b - If the camera work doesn’t bring on nausea, you aren’t shaking enough
    #47c - see Bourne Supremacy for best practices here
  • #66 - Any big muscle guy should be sleeveless
    #66b - Arms should be sweating even in the frozen arctic (ala cliffhanger)
  • #79 - At least one martial artist should be using cables to make him look really bad-ass, even though he can’t kick over his own head.
  • #87 - Tattoos = bad guys. More tattoos = even badder bad guys.
  • #88 - Same as 87, but with piercings.
  • #97 - Bullets should NEVER affect the bad guys and good guys the same way.
  • #132 - More explosions.
  • #133 - crappy pop song by unknown artist that has nothing to do with movie in the credits
  • #189 - When in doubt, use an old TV actor from the 1970s or 1980s.
  • #233 - Hire Steven Seagal has a script consultant
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An Alias in Xenu’s Clothing

Mission: Impossible 3

IMDB

Year: 2006

Length: 126 Minutes

Category: Action

Cast:

  • Ethan Matthew Hunt: Tom Cruise
    • Rating: 2 out of 5

    If you have watched Alias, then you have seen this movie. If you can get past Tom Cruise’s recent nuttiness, then this movie may be for you.

    Basically, Felicity gets kidnapped but it is a double double-cross. Tom Cruise pulls off a big kidnapping/heist which ends in a double cross. His wife is kidnapped so he has be the rogue agent, but his friends help him. He escapes or enters maximum security places at least 4 times in the movie. Then there are some reveals of the double-crosses and a big conclusion where he saves his wife who although a civilian can handle a gun better than Dirty Harry.

    A small warning to watch this movie on DVD. It slows WAY down in parts… hence the 2 cube rating.

    Some things to watch out for:

    - The tech guy that is a version of the Alias tech guy with a British accent.
    - Hydraulics on Ving Rhames keyboards
    - Tom Cruise crying or tears welling up 4 times (an Alias special)
    - The weapon that could destroy the world rolling around in the heaviest traffic I have ever seen at 2 in the morning.

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    Cat-tastic… 3 Claws up… Purrfect

    Catwoman (Widescreen Edition)

    Year: 2004

    Length: 104 minutes

    Studio: Warner Home Video

    Rating from : PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)

    UPC for dvd: 012569694392

    ID in Amazon.com: B0006L0LOS

    Rating: 3 out of 5

    In what was repeatedly called one of the worst movies of 2004, this review is after a recent rewatching on cable of this Spectorqular gem. Quick synopsis:

    Halle Berry dies, magic cat revives her. Sharon Stone is evil but strangely her skin has become “stone” -like (as is her performance). Anyway, Halle Berry finds a rubber suit and a whip and then has to open a tender vittles can sized of whoop-ass on Sharon Stone. Somehow Benjamin Bratt works in as a love interest. I think the Mom from Six Feet Under plays some sort of Cat-Resurrection mentor too.

    Halle Berry really worked out to look good in the cat suit and she does. However that couldn’t save the movie from lines such as “You just went Shaquille on his ass”.

    If this comes on cable, it is not be missed.

    What to watch for:
    - Halle Berry facing off Benjamin Bratt in a game of one-on-one (actual basketball no double meaning intended).
    - Halle Berry getting breathed to life by one of the worst CGI creatures of all time (a cat). I mean you can’t train a cat to walk on a woman’s chest?
    - CGI Halle Berry running around the city.
    - Sharon Stone delivering one of the least compelling performances in the history of cinema, then shattering in the end as if some kind of delicious metaphor of her marble-like acting abilities.

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    Back to the Blue with you, Nessie!

    Into the Blue

    IMDB

    Year: 2005

    Writer: Matt Johnson

    Director: John Stockwell

    Producer: David Zelon

    Length: 110 min

    Category: Action

    Media: DVD

    Studio: Sony Pictures

    Rating from MPAA: PG-13

    ID in Amazon: B000BYRCH4

    Another stop on the Paul Walker hit parade, and this has all the makings of a Spectorqular classic: completely implausible yet utterly predictable story, idiotic characters, wretched dialogue, atrocious acting, and enough gratuitous shots of Jessica Alba wearing a tiny bikini to keep you coming back for more.

    Paul is a dive bum who dreams of being a big league treasure hunter, Jessica is a marine biologist - or maybe just a summer employee at Sea World - it’s never made clear because it doesn’t really affect her ability to wear a bikini, nor her use as a plot device at all the expected times. Just when they make their big find, a legendary treasure ship worth hundreds of millions of dollars, they also stumble across a sunken plane full of hundreds of kilos of cocaine. Oh, what do, what to do.

    Of course we know what they’ll do. Paul’s meathead brother, played by Scott Caan, tries to sell the drugs to pay for the salvage operations and get himself out of debt. Who could guess, the plan goes awry and its up to our hero to save the day. I’ll leave it to you to figure out how it ends.

    What to watch for:

    + The completely pointless and unnecessary Fast and Furious style jet ski action sequence.

    + The fish so fake it looks like a 4th grader made it out of papier mache.

    + The man-eating tiger shark that bears a remarkable resemblance to JabberJaw.

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    Don’t get Left Behind

    Left Behind - The Movie

    Year: 2004

    Length: 95 minutes

    Studio: Sony Pictures

    Rating from : PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)

    UPC for dvd: 043396085787

    ID in Amazon.com: B0002T2QWE

    Rating: 2 out of 5

    On the surface, Left Behind would seem like the ultimate spectorqular film. For those who aren’t familiar with the film series and the books of the same name, here’s a quick synopsis from Amazon:

    When 100 million people vanish from earth, Global News Network reporter Buck Williams (Kirk Cameron) follows the mystery as pilot Ray Steele tries to locate his wife and son. As he digs deeper, he finds that the answers may lie in the Bible. Based on the best-selling novel by Christian evangelist Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Left Behind is a chilling look at the chaos that follows Judgment Day.

    I’d love to recommend this movie to everyone, but quite frankly, it’s just not that spectorqular. Sure, it’s hilarious to watch the low-budget rendition of the Rapture, complete with empty shoes and piles of clothes lying around. But even at a seemingly-short 95 minutes of runtime, this movie still feels impossibly long. By the end, you’re kind of just hoping that you get left behind too….as long as it means you won’t have to watch this mess anymore.

    What to watch for:

    + Brad Johnson, whose movie career started out so promisingly (with a prominent role on the Spielberg movie Always), as the adultering airline pilot; it’s almost exactly the same as Dean Martin’s role as the airline pilot who knocked up Jacqueline Bisset in Airport, only Johnson is as rigid and stiff as Martin was loose and drunk.

    + Mike Seaver himself — Kirk Cameron — plays reporter Buck Williams; which was also the name of a former NBA basketball player. Just for fun, imagine that Kirk Cameron is a 6′9″ African-American at various intervals during the movie — it makes it far more fun.

    + Clarence Gilyard, a regular on Walker: Texas Ranger, as one of those “left behind”.

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    Lep in the Hood Out to Do No Good

    Leprechaun In the Hood

    IMDB

    Year: 2000

    Length: 91 minutes

    Category: Comedy

    Studio: Lions Gate

    Rating from : R (Restricted)

    UPC for dvd: 31398728528

    ID in Amazon.com: 1573628174

    Rating: 5 out of 5

    Is this the most spectorqular movie of all time? It may be. I’m not sure if this is blacksploitation or midgetsploitation.

    Warwick Davis returns as the evil Leprechaun. In this episode he isn’t trying to find his gold. He has been frozen by Ice-T using a magic flute. He is then unleashed by some wanna be rappers. The Leprechaun then gets revenge on Ice-T and the other rappers. The only one in the series that comes close to this masterpiece is the original Leprechaun with Jennifer Aniston pre-nose/boob job.

    What to watch for:
    + Ice-T in an afro wig.
    + The Leprechaun smoking weed in a hip-hop bar.
    + A guest appearance by Coolio.
    + The least “street” rapper played by the black guy from Star Trek: Enterprise.
    + A really crappy “golden” flute.

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    Belly of the Seagal

    Belly of the Beast

    Year: 2003

    Length: 91 minutes

    Category: Action

    Media: DVD

    Studio: Sony Pictures

    Rating from : R (Restricted)

    UPC for dvd: 043396007246

    ID in Amazon.com: B000006PAB

    Rating: 2 out of 5

    Oh to see the mighty fall. In what may be his worst movies (and I mean bad as in Hard to Kill bad not Above the Law bad), Seagal gives a particularly bored performance. This movie is atrocious. Really slow and never seems to go anywhere. It’s about Seagal rescuing a congressman’s daughter in Viet Nam or Thailand or some other badly stereotyped country. I would recommend only watching this if you can fast forward at 16X on a DVD player.

    What to watch for:
    + Seagal’s huge belly.
    + The car that is on the cover. I never saw it in the movie. Looks like it should have been an epic car chase or something.
    + Seagal’s stunt double who is skinny.
    + Over the top stereotypes by asian actors.

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    The Day After Tomorrow

    The Day After Tomorrow (Widescreen Edition)

    Year: 2004

    Length: 123 minutes

    Studio: 20th Century Fox

    Rating from : PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)

    UPC for dvd: 024543135548

    ID in Amazon.com: B00005JMXX

    Rating: 4 out of 5

    This movie is really something special. It comes to us from Roland Emmerich, the genius who brought us Independence Day, Godzilla (the crappy Matthew Broderick one), and Mel Gibson’s stirring politically-charged historical action epic The Patriot. The Day After Tomorrow also marks the first Emmerich movie NOT produced by Dean Devlin. And quite honestly, after watching this one, I think Devlin may have been the only bit of talent in that equation.

    What to watch for:

    + Wolves! Don’t ask why, but hungry wolves play a big part in the action. And not just any wolves, but obviously-fake CGI wolves.

    + RUN!!! — It’s a cold front! The scene where everyone is running to avoid a cold front, and the cold is literally chasing them into a building — really something special.

    + The horrible Dick Cheney impersonator as “stereotypical cynical Republican politician”. We get it — the movie has political overtones (if we don’t all drive hybrids, this could happen tomorrow!). Do we really have to have the lead political figure look EXACTLY like the #1 villanous figure from the Bush Administration?

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    I’d be safe and warm if I was in L.A….

    Congo

    IMDB

    Year: 1995

    Director: Frank Marshall

    Length: 108 minutes

    Category: Sci-Fi

    Media: DVD

    Studio: Paramount

    Rating from : PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)

    UPC for dvd: 097363303879

    ID in Amazon.com: 6305495106

    Rating: 4 out of 5

    It cannot be stressed enough how key this movie is in the pantheon of bad movies. Start with Michael Crichton’s loose hold on popular science, add in Ernie Hudson doing an odd African accent, the “serious” acting of Laura Linney, and a cameo by Bruce Campbell, shake and pour yourself a delicious cocktail of sinful goodness.

    What to watch for:
    * Bruce Campbell screaming at the camera.

    * A gorilla, that can make a Nintendo Power Glove talk, scaring off a bunch of mean CG gorillas.

    * Tim Curry with a bizarre Transylvanian accent.

    * A group of African (very stereotypical) natives singing California Dreamin’ in the heart of the Congo.

    Why it gets 4 cubes: The movie moves well so the boredom factor is low. The cheesy science really draws the laughs. The attempt at suspense and mystery deserve a round of applause from Ed Wood.

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